[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child