when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine