What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“What movie?” 🤔
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
No laws when master is gone
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6