The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.