When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!