If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.