Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Called it
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.