Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Dietest Coke
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.