*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants