customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up