Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
is this how new cars are made??
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Isn’t
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller