“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme