If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
New comic up. “Ransom”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.