Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!