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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.