For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.