I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
A completely valid reaction tbh
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
yes yes a thousand times yes!