You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“no gods no masters” = leo
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.