(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Wait a minute…
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato