“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You Might Also Like
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
adding to the discourse
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?