*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo