Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin