FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.