of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
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Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
i baked you a cake
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese