Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
You Might Also Like
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
the greatest twitter interaction
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.