when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.