*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17