You Might Also Like
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Growing up was a huge mistake
good for her
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.