*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Erm…
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?