why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Catering service
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Bed should get ready for ME
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.