What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
“TGIM!” – My liver
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.