I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The fall of Netflix
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them