if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again