FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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