The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.