Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Boom, boom, ching!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.