I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.