“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You Might Also Like
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
That de-escalated quickly
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Midwest trash talk
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]