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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Rooting for the overdog
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.