When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
You Might Also Like
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?