My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
You Might Also Like
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
an airline just for babies.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”