Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
fly smarter, not harder
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
#parenting
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point