Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Stick it to the man
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”