My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You Might Also Like
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You sure about that?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to