Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Breaking news:
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.