Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.