On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do