me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Only a mother’s love …
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry