I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.