Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The point of your 20s
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The Joker was right
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops